I don't have many regrets. Very few, to be honest with you. Most decisions that I have made, were made for one reason or another, and every decision has made me who I am today...blah, blah, blah. There is one decision that I made that I don't necessarily regret, but I wish that I could fix it now. Does that make sense? Let me explain.
Recently, my friend, Anthony asked me if I regretted breaking up with an ex boyfriend. My response? No. I don't regret it. I had turned into this horrible girlfriend. I was jealous, needy, controlling. Not myself at all. If this boyfriend (let's call him band boy) wanted to have a night with his guy friends, I would get upset. I had to be where he was at all times. One night, a friend of his approached me and told me that I was the reason that they were not friends anymore. All of this started eating at me. Was I the reason? I didn't mean to be. I sure never came right out and told band boy not to be friends with this guy. It was common knowledge that I didn't particularly like this friend, but I never said that they shouldn't be friends. But, in an indirect way, was I the reason that they were no longer friends?
I knew that for my sake (and sanity) and for band boy's sake, that we needed to break up. It was a hard decision that I struggled with for weeks, it made me very sad and I have thought a lot about it in the years since. Even all through the time that I dated suit boy and the time I have been single since, I can't help but wonder, "What if?". Band boy always pops up in my mind and it's never bad memories. I think fondly of him often. I miss him more often than not. I wonder sometimes...was I mature enough to handle being with someone at that time? Was I independent enough to be with him? While band boy and I were dating, all of my friends moved away, I got a new job, I made a few new friends, but my life had become so different. I didn't really have anyone to hang out with or to do things with other than band boy. So, when he wanted to leave me and go do things with his friends, I was lost.
"So, what about now?" I was asked by Anthony, the friend who had asked about the regret factor. I have a feeling that Anthony is rather hopeful for a rekindling of this relationship. Well, now, I think that I am actually ready to be with someone. I am independent enough, I enjoy my alone time, I now know how to entertain myself and I think I could be completely happy with someone else. I just wish that I didn't have to wonder, "What if?"
1 comment:
Wow, I love reading your blogs because you say everything I'm thinking. I had that EXACT same problem with my most significant relationship, and even though it ended years ago... I'll randomly catch myself thinking 'what if.' I don't know though.. maybe things happen for a reason. I mean even if we got back with our past bf's, thinking it'll be perfect now that we've grown and matured... they'll always think of us as the crazy ex gf. And there's nothing we can do to change that. It makes sense too, that everything would happen for a reason... because surely if we hadn't made such mistakes with thosee bf's, we might have never matured for the better ones!
I once read in Cosmo, that when a girl turns into a "psycho" as a result of a relationship, it's usually because the guy did something that made her that way.
Just food for thought..
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