Easier Said Than Done

Letting go. It's so much easier said than done. I think this is especially hard for most women when there is rejection involved. I think that we have probably all been there at some point in our lives. I know that I have and it can be pretty hurtful. For most of the years that I have dated, I have been the one to break things off with men. I have been the one to decide that I was no longer happy. I never really dealt with a lot of rejection within serious relationships. Don't take that the wrong way. I definitely went on first dates that never turned into second dates, because the guy didn't want one. I definitely wanted to go on a date with someone who didn't want to date me. I have been given a phone number to never have the guy answer or return my call. I have been rejected. Just never to the point where it hurt my heart enough to let it linger.

Some of you long-time followers might remember THIS story told by yours truly. Back then, I was still hurting. I was having a hard time letting go. Mostly, because it was the first time I had truly dealt with rejection and also, because this boy had found himself another lady friend. That's what hurt most. Seeing their picture together on FB as his profile picture. Reading FB status' about he and this girl. Seeing for the first time where he told her on FB that he loved her. These were things that in the time we were together, he never did with me. That can sting a little bit. It stung me to the point that I had to delete him as a FB friend and from my life. I still got a couple of messages from him saying that he was sad that we were no longer friends, but I have always ignored them.

I am happy with how things turned out for me now. At the time, I was hurting and for a while I had a hard time letting it go. I would often wonder what was so different about this new girl that I didn't have. Or why is she good enough and I am not? Now? She can have his sorry ass. Better her to put up with the crap than me. It makes me think, though...am I THAT girl now? The one that is now with the boy and someone else is hurting the way that I was? Are they dealing with that rejection that I had to deal with? In getting back together with the boy, it was never my intentions to hurt anyone. Actually, I waited for a long time, because I was afraid to hurt someone else's feelings. Sometimes, when you know what's right for you, a chance has to be taken. You have to take that leap of faith and hope that things turn out for the best.

I have not longed to be with "suit boy" for over a year now, but I have been trying to compartmentalize the rejection that I faced. I am finally at peace in the fact that I am not with "suit boy" anymore. It has taken me realizing that I might be "that girl" for someone else and that I never did it intentionally or just to be vicious and hurt someone else. I'm sure that the new girl in "suit boy's" life didn't either. You can't hate on someone for wanting to make themselves happy. I fully appreciate Matt and all that we have in our relationship at this point. Nothing in the world could make me regret that decision. Not being talked about, not being stared down, not hearing people's reservations about it....NOTHING. I am happy with my life.

"Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along."

Thankful Thursday

I am linking up this week with Julia to tell what I am Thankful for. Head on over and link up yourselves!

1. I am thankful for mindless television. I know that sounds like a strange thing to be thankful for. But, lately I have had some stressful days with work and grad school. Watching some mindless television helps me to get my mind off of things and relax a little.

2. I am thankful for forgiveness. So often it is hard for many to be able to fully forgive. I am thankful for the times that people (and myself) are able to forgive. Some food for thought about anger/bitterness. "You're drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

3. I am thankful for love. Not just the mushy gushy kind, but also the kind between family and friends. I have so much love in my life and it has been especially evident recently. I have so many wonderful people in my life, who I can say that I really truly love and who love me back the same. There's no better feeling.

Stop and think today about something that you have to be thankful for. You'll have an easier time than you think. :)

Love is All Around

Linking up with http://teachinginheels.blogspot.com/. She's one of my favoritest blogger, if you haven't made it over there, yet, you sure should! :)

1. What is your favorite romantic comedy?  

It's really a toss up for me. I LOVE Gone with the Wind and I LOVE When Harry Met Sally. Both of those movies make me *sigh* each time that I watch.

2. What are your favorite flowers?

I really love peonies.

3. What is your favorite Valentine's Day treat to eat?

I love the conversation hearts. They take me back to my childhood days. I HATE getting boxes of chocolate. It stresses me out, because there are too many unknowns!!

4. Describe your best Valentine's Day.

The best Valentine's Day that I have had was the first one that Matt and I were together. We hadn't been together for very long at that point. He gave me a pair of pearl earrings that I cherish so much.

5. What has been the most romantic night of your life?

Honestly...I haven't had that much romance. I'm not a big sap...all the time. ;) I'll just say, one of the most romantic things that someone has done for me was when Matt planned a trip to St. Louis to go see The Black Crowes and Dave Matthews Band. We were in the Busch Stadium with the Gateway Arch in the background. It is such a special memory for me. 

6. What's your go to date night outfit?

Usually a nice pair of jeans, heels, and a black top. I really like to wear black when going out for some reason...maybe I should broadden my choices!

7. Where is your favorite place to go on a date?
To a concert or somewhere to listen to live music. I am SO looking forward to mine and Matt's date this Saturday. Darius Rucker, Jerrod Niemann, and Brad Paisley?! Don't mind if I do. I've gotten to see Darius and Brad before, but never Jerrod and I LOVE him! :) Not to mention the handsome man that I will be sharing the night with.

8. Store bought Valentine's or homemade?

I have never gotten a homemade Valentine from anyone other than students in my class. I have to say that it would definitely make me swoon!

9. What is your favorite love song?
I'm strange when it comes to my taste in music. It's fo reals all over the place. I will say...several years ago, Jason Mraz came out with the song, "Lucky" with Cobie Calliat. I love both of them and this song is just the sweetest thing ever!

  

10. If you had to pick a date for Valentine's who would it be?

Matt is my Valentine again this year and I couldn't be happier. There's noone else that I would rather be with tonight.

I wish all of you a wonderful Valentines Day with your loved ones. I, myself cannot wait for tonight with Matty. I haven't seen him since Friday night when he played...and then we just got to make googly eyes at each other from across the room and only really spend time together during their short breaks. Goodness...Can I just tell you, I want this feeling to last FOREVER. 

Be a Miracle to Me

So, I've been saying for a while that I will write to tell you all about mine and Matt's story.

Let's start with how we met back in the early part of 2006. I had made some friends my sophomore year of college and instantly bonded with a guy named Andrew. He and I became really close friends. We did a lot together...concerts, lunch, dinner, movies...all as only friends. He and David, another one of our friends liked to play music and they would call me at night {on my dorm phone}, put their phone down and play Garth Brooks songs for me. Those are some of my fondest memories from college. They started a band called Durty Walrus and Matt happened to be the bass player. The picture below really, really makes me laugh, but I have to show you. Sammi and I used to go out on Thursday nights to watch them play...that's when you could go out for $5.00 all you can drink. That was our spot through college!

I got to watch them pretty often, because, let's face it. It was college and we went out. a. lot. That's not the only connection that I had with Matt, though. Insert, Lo. Just because we are thinking of old times here, I had to use an old pic.

So, Lo and I were and still are very close friends. She is a friend that will always be near and dear to my heart. At the time, she was working at Applebees. Guess who else was working at Applebees?! That's right...Matt! While I was engaged, Lo kept telling me, "There's this guy at work, Matt and you need to be with him." I didn't listen to her, of course. Nothing EVER happened between Matt and I while I was engaged. Let's set that straight. All of this happened within a couple of weeks time span. I was very unhappy in my engagement and my family and friends hated disliked my fiance. I did something that was difficult, and I decided to end my engagement. We hadn't been engaged for very long and had been together for a total of less than a year. Yes. I could write a whole other blog about that situation....but I won't.

After my engagement was broken off, I continued to go out with the girls. Wednesday nights to a place called Betty's and then Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights downtown. It was college. I can't do that noooooo mo'. I kept running into Matt, whether they were playing or not. He was going out all the time, too and Bowling Green is a rather small town.

The next little bit of our lives was a whirlwind. We started seeing each other and his band would travel to Owensboro to play, we went to concerts and sporting events together, I watched him play in his band at bars, we went to watch other bands play. It was honestly such a fun time in my life.

In the Fall of 2007, we rented a cute little yellow house and moved in together. Shortly after, we got a dog, Hurley together. Things just seemed all so perfect. Matt had so quickly became my very best friend in the world.

Like with all things good...there is bad. We had our share of fights, let me tell you. Nothing like Ronnie and Sammi on Jersey Shore and things never escalated to become out of hand, though. I really feel like our fights were normal relationship fights. They happen and you grow and learn from them. Relationships take a lot of work. Right before we moved in together, my roommate that I had for several years had decided that she was going to live with her boyfriend, Sammi, Lo, and the rest of my friends had moved away and I had started my teaching career. There was a lot of stress on me at once. I was always smiling on the outside and never showed anyone how much I was hurting inside. I was in a deep depression. I constantly cried and there were so many days that I didn't want to get out of bed. It had gotten to a point where I knew that I was being toxic to myself, Matt and our relationship. I had so many long talks on the phone with my Mom about it and she actually begged me not to break up with Matt. She knew that it was a good thing and that I wasn't going to break up with him because I didn't love him {By the way, she didn't do that with the engagement if that tells you something}.

In August of 2008, Matt and I were lying in bed one night going to sleep and I said, "Please don't propose to me any time soon." We had talked about marriage and I think that is what we both wanted at the time. He took me on a surprise weekend away a few months prior and I remember hoping with all my heart that he would propose to me. The statement that I had made shocked him. We talked only a little bit about it and then let it go for a while. About a week later, I broke up with him. It was the hardest decision of my life. At the time, it was completely what was right for me. It was never that I didn't love Matt. I had to finally be selfish, so that I could get better and get my life on track. The day that he packed up and left our house, I laid in the floor and cried for over two hours. The pain is still so unbearable and I cannot describe to you what it even felt like. I avoided the places that I knew he was playing at so that I didn't have to face him. I knew that I still loved him, but in order to heal myself, I couldn't see him.

As in any situation, time heals all. I can honestly say that my heart never completely healed from that day that I was laying in the floor crying, though. Even to this day, if I think about that too much, I can't hold back the tears. I tried moving on with my life. I dated other people, but never felt the way that I did with Matt. I never had as much fun with anyone as I did with Matt. I swear, that boy and I can have fun with a piece of string and talk about anything and everything! Throughout the past almost 3 years, there were so many times that I wanted to call him and tell him how much I still loved him and how much I missed him. I was ashamed to. I knew that I hurt him and I was scared of rejection. Several months ago, I was eating lunch with my friend Gina Marie and talking to her about Matt. I opened up and told her how much I missed him and that I would want to try things again, but I didn't know how. She, of course was all about it and told me to go for it! I just never could. I started getting this gut feeling that Matt was dating someone, so I texted her a few months after our talk to ask her, and she confirmed that. Even though I had dated other people, my heart hurt so bad knowing that I might have thrown away our relationship forever. Finally, I could not take it anymore and {with lots and lots of coaxing from Anthony}, I lamely wrote him an email telling him how much I missed him...I knew that if it came to doing it face to face, I would chicken out. He called me and said that he would like to come to my apartment to talk about it, but he never told me how he was feeling. We made plans and he got sick. We made plans another night and something came up. I was DYING. I just wanted to know...did he still care about me or not?! The night that he came over to talk and I was a nervous wreck. I kept telling myself that if he decided that he didn't want to be with me, that I probably deserved that. But, he walked in and kissed me right away. It was something that I had wanted to do for so long and something that I had waited for. He said that he wanted to try to see where things went and to take things slowly.

Let me just say. It has not been an easy road to where we are now. Matt was here last night for dinner and to watch some basketball with me. At one point he looked at me and said, "You are so incredible." It made my heart melt. I want to just look at him and scream, "I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!" Every time that I see him. But, then I remember that there's that whole taking things slowly stuff.

I am SO grateful for my second chance. I honestly can say that I love him more now than I did so many years ago. I get butterflies when I look into his eyes. People at school have asked my assistant, "What's up with Ashley? She seems so happy!" I said it once in another blog, but I have never loved anyone the way that I love Matt. It's so true. I want this to work this time so badly. If it doesn't, I know that I will be heartbroken and I will regret that decision that I made all those years ago. As of right now, there's not a whole lot of regret. I grew into such a better, stronger woman. I have experienced so much and so has Matt. I pray everyday that the past can stay in the past and that he and I can continue to look forward. He is my miracle.

{Commence Barfing}

Thankful Thursday

I am linking up today with Julia for Thankful Thursday! The theme is a Valentine's Day edition and we all have something to be thankful for.

1. I am thankful for a second chance with the love of my life. I keep talking about it, but I can't tell you how grateful I am that he still has feeling for me and was willing to give me a second chance. I haven't gone into exact details, yet as to what happened, but I promise that a post will be on the way soon.

2. I am so thankful for the students that I teach. I haven't gotten to be with them much since Christmas break, because of all of this snow, but I have really grown to love them. My group this year is so different than any group I have ever had. I was thinking this morning about them and how I give them each a hug as they leave my classroom in the afternoons. That very well may be the highlight of my day. I hope that it brightens some of their days, as well.

3. I am thankful for my sweet friends. They have really made not only this week for my birthday special, but the past several years that I have known all of them. I know that I can always count on them if I have something going on or even just to have fun with! There's never a dull moment with my friends.





Broken Hearted

For all you ladies out there who has ever experienced heartbreak. Just a few of my current favorites. By the way, I am not currently feeling this way. However, I know that many women can relate to heartbreak.

Love Sara Evans and this song just pulls on my heart.

This lovely lady is my ALL TIME FAVE country music singer. Martina McBride. I was so lucky enough to get to enjoy this song from the FRONT ROW at CMAFest. :) Made my year, fo sho.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. Her bitter music makes my heart smile. As horrible as that sounds. She just belts out everything that I am feeling inside. If you have not downloaded any of Miranda Lambert's music and you like country, DO IT NOW!!!

What I'm Loving Wednesday!

Linking up with Jamie for What I'm Loving Wednesday again! I have SO been looking forward to this opportunity this week. I have so much in my life to be thankful for and I need to concentrate more on it during stressful times.

1. I am loving my students this week. It took me a little while to feel the love for them this year. They are a different group than what I have ever had in the past. I guess I have known this all along, but they are just little people. They cannot take up for themselves. I am not only a teacher, but I am an advocate for children. And I love them. I really, really do.

2. I am loving my kitty, Addison. She's got herself a little limp going on right now. I'm a little worried about her, but she will be okay. She is 7 years old and she is overweight. There are lots of factors involved here. Good news is that when I touch the leg that she is limping on, she doesn't act like it bothers her. She's got a vet appointment today, so thoughts and prayers are much appreciated!

3. I am loving my friends. I am SO glad to have friends who know what they believe in and what they want/like. There is not one of them that is "wishy washy" and is one person with one group of people and another person with a different group of people. All of my friends are so proud to be who they are that it warms my heart.

4. Remember my new boots? Yeah, I'm still lovin' them. I can't stop thinking about them, actually. :) I cannot wait to wear them again. Perhaps one night this weekend.

5. I am loving the boy toy. Yep. Just super, crazy, happy right now. We got to hang out on Sunday for a little bit and as of now, no plans to see each other again anytime soon. Sound crazy? Probably. I like it this way. I have had a crazy beginning to the week, remember? Pulling looooong days and have been a little stressed. Tonight I have plans and every Thursday is my girls night. Sammi will be here this weekend. I like that things are going slowly. I get butterflies everytime I see him. I'm in a really good place with this. Old school pic, btw.

6. I am loving that I get to spend some quality time with one of my absolute favorite couples tonight! Bryan and Candice invited me over for dinner and we are going to watch "The Other Guys". I am fo reals in love with Will Ferrell. Sorry, Matt....Guess I should warn you now. When he comes for me, you'll just have to share. Seriously excited to spend time with these two. Also, loving that I get to be in their wedding this summer! I really expect tonight to be like old times, when Candice and I lived together. She will fall asleep on the couch and Bryan and I will laugh at the movie together. Can't wait!

7. I am loving that this weekend I get to see Sammi again! TWO weekends in a row! YEE YEE!!! Big plans, too. We will have a girls night on Friday with some of my other friends. Saturday, maybe a pedi {MUCH needed}, and then...we are going to brave going to watch Matt and the band. Could be a mistake, but I'll have Sammi with me if things get hard for me. She will be willing to leave whenever or will say/do something to make things better. Now, talk about an OLD SCHOOL picture! This is way back from our days in the sorority. Geez.

I truly hope that each of you are having a fantastic Wednesday! We are halfway to the weekend!!! What are you loving on this Wednesday?!

THEN

NOW

LOVE LOVE LOVE!

Happy Thursday!

I don't know really what's up. Maybe some of you can shed some light on the situation as an outsider looking in. I've been seeing Band Boy again and we have been for a month or so now. Things have been going great (or so I have been thinking). There are obviously a few things to talk about and work through. We broke up for a reason 3 years ago and a lot can happen and change in that amount of time. But, you tell me. How does he go from wanting to try things again to "I don't know if I want to be with your or not." ????? I couldn't be more hurt and confused right now. It isn't as if we just met. We have known each other for YEARS now. He knows me better than almost anyone. For me, it's cut and dry. Do you still have feelings for me or not? Yes or no question. Do you want to try this again? Yes or no question. There is NO gray area in this situation in my opinion. I know that I hurt him and he could be scared. I know that he could be catching crap from his friends or family about us being together again...if he has even told them. I get it. I really, really do. I'm willing to take things slowly, but not if he doesn't want to be with me. The relationship I was in after we broke up, I was with someone for a year and a half. There was never a picture of me posted on facebook and he would never list himself as "in a relationship". I know that fb is not the tell all, be all, end all. BUT, when he is doing all of that with his current girlfriend, that in itself tells me that he wasn't proud of me and in a way, I was being "hidden". He never told me that he cared about me or loved me. Ever. In a year and a half. He stopped talking to me the moment that I told him that I loved him. I CANNOT go through the pain of putting myself out there and letting myself love someone and them not feeling the same way or wanting to be with me. It hurts too much and I will NOT do it. Not with him. I want him in my life in some capacity. If he hurts me, I can't let him be part of my life. I'm not good at being friends with ex's. With him, we have always kept in touch, been okay when we see each other, and I have never stopped caring about him. If he hurts me that bad, I will not be able to be okay when I see him. I just don't know what to expect or say or do in this situation. All I know is that part of my heart is broken and I am hurting right now. I don't know how to fix this.

I've totally slacked this weekend on my 30 Day Blog Challenge. I thought I'd catch you up right here with three days in one post.

Day 6: Your day in 6 words

Great girl time, shopping, food, napping.

Day 5: Your favorite quote

I've always loved quotes. I used to have them as border around my bedroom in college. Sometimes the right quote will help you get through a tough time in your life. There are so many that I love. This one though, is one of my favorites, "I don't pretend what love is for everyone. But I can tell you what it is for me. Love is knowing all about someone and still wanting to be with them more than anyone else. Love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you are ashamed of. Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak in the knees when they walk in the room and smile at you." It just makes me happy and hopeful about love.

Day 4: Your favorite book

I read a lot, so this one is a little hard for me. I have 2 favorites that I could read over and over, I think. Oddly enough, they have both been made into movies. I loved the books WAY more than the movies and I read them before I watched the movies.

The first is The Lovely Bones. I read this book several years ago. I had gotten out of reading for quite some time. My parents used to take me to the library as a small child. {I can still picture the public library in Mechanicsville, VA}. When we moved back to KY, they kinda stopped going and I started high school and didn't read anymore. In college, I went to the beach with my friend Candice and her family. I borrowed The Lovely Bones from her to read at the beach. I have been hooked back on reading ever since. If you have never read this book, I really suggest it. It's emotional and you really might cry, but it's so great!

The second favorite is Message in a Bottle. Hands down my favorite Nicholas Sparks book and I couldn't even make it through that movie. He writes such good love stories!