I hate fall. Everyone around me and all sorts of posts on facebook tell me that everyone else seems to love fall. They are able to find the beauty in the changing of the leaves and the cool weather. These people are excited, because it's finally "football weather". Not me. I see the changing of the leaves as the fact that the trees are dying. I don't enjoy the weather, because I never know how to dress. I have to actually think about what to put on, because I have to layer myself, because I know that it's going to warm up as the day goes on. The time changes and it gets darker so much sooner. I am not a huge football fan. See? I don't like fall.
But, the true reason that I don't like fall is because it is when everyone in my family passes away. My Grandfather told Mom once, "When I die, it will be in the fall." Guess what? It was. I remember it so well. I was young, too. I remember coming home from school and my Dad telling me that I had to go pack a bag to travel back to Hazard for my Papaw's funeral. I'll never forget sitting with my cousins, Nanci, Melody and Jess while my Mom and her sisters mourned the loss of their Dad. More than likely, I didn't REALLY understand death at this young age, but I sure knew the feeling that I had at that time and my heart hurt.
My Granny died in the fall. It was in November, actually. I hate this month. Every year during this month, I become an emotional wreck. I cry over small things that any other time, I wouldn't cry about at all. This lady held my family together. She was the glue. I would spend my summers with her in Hazard when I was little. She always took up for me when anyone was being mean to me or picking on me. I know she did that for both of my brothers and all of my cousins. But, that's what made her so special. It was her huge heart. She loved all of us so much and she made sure that it was evident. She was a strong person, who worked hard. I miss her year round, but my heart feels especially empty during the fall.
If these two losses weren't enough to make me despise the fall, my Granny "up on the hill" (as we all called her) also died in October. I fell apart when I heard what happened. I was at recess, when my brother, Adrian called. I remember vividly hearing him say, "It's Granny and it's not good." I had to leave school, because I couldn't hold it together. Stephanie, the principal of my school even had to drive me home. It was so unexpected. I had tried to see her and spend as much time with her as I could, but it's never enough. I didn't get enough time with her. I will always regret not seeing her more. What I wouldn't give to see her now.
Two years later (in October), my uncle, Danny passed away. I was in the Charlotte airport on my way back from Cancun. The flight had been delayed, so I was at an airport bar. Delayed Flight + Beer + Bad News = An Emotional Wreck. My brother, Shane called to tell me what happened. Not again. Not someone else in my family. The last time that I saw him, he was doing somewhat better. Danny had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis several years prior. He was living and being cared for by my Papaw and my uncle, Ken. I visited as often as I could. Every time that I was in Hazard, I went to visit them. I thought that was my mistake with Granny and that's what made it hurt more. I was wrong. It still hurts. Regardless of any circumstance. Some say that if you know that it could possibly happen, that it hurts less. Wrong. I'd known for a while that the possibility of Danny passing away could happen at any time. It still broke my heart. I lost it in an airport. A passerby even stopped and said to me, "I heard your conversation on the phone, and I am so sorry for your loss." Bless that man. I needed that at the time. My boyfriend at the time just kept telling me to "pull myself together and stop crying." I couldn't do that. It hurt too much.
I hate fall. I hate lung cancer. I hate multiple sclerosis. I hate heart attacks. I hate stomach cancer. I hate fall.
