Be a Miracle to Me

So, I've been saying for a while that I will write to tell you all about mine and Matt's story.

Let's start with how we met back in the early part of 2006. I had made some friends my sophomore year of college and instantly bonded with a guy named Andrew. He and I became really close friends. We did a lot together...concerts, lunch, dinner, movies...all as only friends. He and David, another one of our friends liked to play music and they would call me at night {on my dorm phone}, put their phone down and play Garth Brooks songs for me. Those are some of my fondest memories from college. They started a band called Durty Walrus and Matt happened to be the bass player. The picture below really, really makes me laugh, but I have to show you. Sammi and I used to go out on Thursday nights to watch them play...that's when you could go out for $5.00 all you can drink. That was our spot through college!

I got to watch them pretty often, because, let's face it. It was college and we went out. a. lot. That's not the only connection that I had with Matt, though. Insert, Lo. Just because we are thinking of old times here, I had to use an old pic.

So, Lo and I were and still are very close friends. She is a friend that will always be near and dear to my heart. At the time, she was working at Applebees. Guess who else was working at Applebees?! That's right...Matt! While I was engaged, Lo kept telling me, "There's this guy at work, Matt and you need to be with him." I didn't listen to her, of course. Nothing EVER happened between Matt and I while I was engaged. Let's set that straight. All of this happened within a couple of weeks time span. I was very unhappy in my engagement and my family and friends hated disliked my fiance. I did something that was difficult, and I decided to end my engagement. We hadn't been engaged for very long and had been together for a total of less than a year. Yes. I could write a whole other blog about that situation....but I won't.

After my engagement was broken off, I continued to go out with the girls. Wednesday nights to a place called Betty's and then Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights downtown. It was college. I can't do that noooooo mo'. I kept running into Matt, whether they were playing or not. He was going out all the time, too and Bowling Green is a rather small town.

The next little bit of our lives was a whirlwind. We started seeing each other and his band would travel to Owensboro to play, we went to concerts and sporting events together, I watched him play in his band at bars, we went to watch other bands play. It was honestly such a fun time in my life.

In the Fall of 2007, we rented a cute little yellow house and moved in together. Shortly after, we got a dog, Hurley together. Things just seemed all so perfect. Matt had so quickly became my very best friend in the world.

Like with all things good...there is bad. We had our share of fights, let me tell you. Nothing like Ronnie and Sammi on Jersey Shore and things never escalated to become out of hand, though. I really feel like our fights were normal relationship fights. They happen and you grow and learn from them. Relationships take a lot of work. Right before we moved in together, my roommate that I had for several years had decided that she was going to live with her boyfriend, Sammi, Lo, and the rest of my friends had moved away and I had started my teaching career. There was a lot of stress on me at once. I was always smiling on the outside and never showed anyone how much I was hurting inside. I was in a deep depression. I constantly cried and there were so many days that I didn't want to get out of bed. It had gotten to a point where I knew that I was being toxic to myself, Matt and our relationship. I had so many long talks on the phone with my Mom about it and she actually begged me not to break up with Matt. She knew that it was a good thing and that I wasn't going to break up with him because I didn't love him {By the way, she didn't do that with the engagement if that tells you something}.

In August of 2008, Matt and I were lying in bed one night going to sleep and I said, "Please don't propose to me any time soon." We had talked about marriage and I think that is what we both wanted at the time. He took me on a surprise weekend away a few months prior and I remember hoping with all my heart that he would propose to me. The statement that I had made shocked him. We talked only a little bit about it and then let it go for a while. About a week later, I broke up with him. It was the hardest decision of my life. At the time, it was completely what was right for me. It was never that I didn't love Matt. I had to finally be selfish, so that I could get better and get my life on track. The day that he packed up and left our house, I laid in the floor and cried for over two hours. The pain is still so unbearable and I cannot describe to you what it even felt like. I avoided the places that I knew he was playing at so that I didn't have to face him. I knew that I still loved him, but in order to heal myself, I couldn't see him.

As in any situation, time heals all. I can honestly say that my heart never completely healed from that day that I was laying in the floor crying, though. Even to this day, if I think about that too much, I can't hold back the tears. I tried moving on with my life. I dated other people, but never felt the way that I did with Matt. I never had as much fun with anyone as I did with Matt. I swear, that boy and I can have fun with a piece of string and talk about anything and everything! Throughout the past almost 3 years, there were so many times that I wanted to call him and tell him how much I still loved him and how much I missed him. I was ashamed to. I knew that I hurt him and I was scared of rejection. Several months ago, I was eating lunch with my friend Gina Marie and talking to her about Matt. I opened up and told her how much I missed him and that I would want to try things again, but I didn't know how. She, of course was all about it and told me to go for it! I just never could. I started getting this gut feeling that Matt was dating someone, so I texted her a few months after our talk to ask her, and she confirmed that. Even though I had dated other people, my heart hurt so bad knowing that I might have thrown away our relationship forever. Finally, I could not take it anymore and {with lots and lots of coaxing from Anthony}, I lamely wrote him an email telling him how much I missed him...I knew that if it came to doing it face to face, I would chicken out. He called me and said that he would like to come to my apartment to talk about it, but he never told me how he was feeling. We made plans and he got sick. We made plans another night and something came up. I was DYING. I just wanted to know...did he still care about me or not?! The night that he came over to talk and I was a nervous wreck. I kept telling myself that if he decided that he didn't want to be with me, that I probably deserved that. But, he walked in and kissed me right away. It was something that I had wanted to do for so long and something that I had waited for. He said that he wanted to try to see where things went and to take things slowly.

Let me just say. It has not been an easy road to where we are now. Matt was here last night for dinner and to watch some basketball with me. At one point he looked at me and said, "You are so incredible." It made my heart melt. I want to just look at him and scream, "I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!" Every time that I see him. But, then I remember that there's that whole taking things slowly stuff.

I am SO grateful for my second chance. I honestly can say that I love him more now than I did so many years ago. I get butterflies when I look into his eyes. People at school have asked my assistant, "What's up with Ashley? She seems so happy!" I said it once in another blog, but I have never loved anyone the way that I love Matt. It's so true. I want this to work this time so badly. If it doesn't, I know that I will be heartbroken and I will regret that decision that I made all those years ago. As of right now, there's not a whole lot of regret. I grew into such a better, stronger woman. I have experienced so much and so has Matt. I pray everyday that the past can stay in the past and that he and I can continue to look forward. He is my miracle.

{Commence Barfing}

Broken Hearted

For all you ladies out there who has ever experienced heartbreak. Just a few of my current favorites. By the way, I am not currently feeling this way. However, I know that many women can relate to heartbreak.

Love Sara Evans and this song just pulls on my heart.

This lovely lady is my ALL TIME FAVE country music singer. Martina McBride. I was so lucky enough to get to enjoy this song from the FRONT ROW at CMAFest. :) Made my year, fo sho.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. Her bitter music makes my heart smile. As horrible as that sounds. She just belts out everything that I am feeling inside. If you have not downloaded any of Miranda Lambert's music and you like country, DO IT NOW!!!